What Jesse James Taught Me About Boundaries

Jesse James is my dog.

I feel like I should say that up front, because the name carries some history, and people get a look. He is a bullpei — half bulldog, half shar-pei, all heart, with the kind of face that suggests he has been somewhere you cannot follow and would prefer not to discuss it. He's velvet ears and a barrel chest and an opinion about the door.

Jesse James does not come when called. Jesse James comes when Jesse James has decided. This is not a flaw in Jesse James. This is the entire premise of Jesse James.

For most of my life I was the opposite kind of creature. I came when called. I came when not called. I came preemptively, in case someone might want me to come later, and I stayed long after they had stopped wanting me there, because leaving felt like a kind of failure I didn't have the vocabulary for yet. I was, to put it gently, available.

Jesse James is not available. Jesse James is, however, present. There is a difference, and the dog has been trying to teach me the difference for years.

You may pet him when he wants petting. He will tell you. He will arrive at your knee and lean the whole weight of himself against your shin with the exact pressure of now. You may not pet him when he doesn't want petting. He will also tell you. He will get up. He will leave the room. He will not soften it for you. He will not apologize on his way out. He will not come back ten minutes later to make sure you're okay about it.

The first time I watched him do this to a guest — get up, leave, no apology, no softening — I thought, oh. oh, that's allowed.

I am almost fifty-eight years old and I learned about boundaries from a dog.

What Jesse James taught me, in the end, is this: a boundary is not a fight. A boundary is a get up and leave the room. It is the quiet exercise of the no you were always allowed to have. It does not require a speech. It does not require permission. It does not require the other person to understand it before it goes into effect.

You may pet the dog when the dog wants petting.

That's the whole rule. I'm still learning it. Jesse is patient with me. Mostly.